|
|
 |
The hardest part about studying is always the starting point. Once you get started, it's easy to go on for hours but the toughest part is that one minute when you decide to put everything away, grab a book and just study.
My that one minute never came. Midterms are next week and I reserved whole of Fri, Sat and Sun to study but guess what day is today? Sat. Guess when I started studying? Never. Guess what I did yesterday till 3am? Surfed blogs. Searched for cheap ticket home. Watched funny Cantonese horror shows with Aud and Angie. Added RSS in my blog (wah why am I so tech-savvy wtf actually all I did was i gave my blog's password to Clem and he did that for me wtf)
The thing with exams is I always feel demotivated somehow. Like there's no drive/mojo/whomp wtf inside me to start studying for exams. I'll go like cheh still got 2 days, chillax la wtf. Oh why oh why did I bring that Malaysian trait here with me.
Bad news: Remember my shoes that I bought from Ebay?? They didn't fit......... T___________T
I've always thought I'm a size 6 (NO THANKS TO STUPID VINCCI WTF) but I'm actually US Size 6.5. So sad cause the white pumps are really super damn nice so unless
1.) i bind my feet till they're size 6 or
2.) i have to sell them away
--
I went to bed at 3am last night but only really fell asleep about 4. I had so much stuff in my head (no none about my exams wtf) I was mainly thinking about stupid things I've done when I was younger. Like real stupid things. Like real real stupid things that only my closest friends know. Like real real real stupid things ok I think you get the drift now wtf.
Ya I know you want to know what those stupid things are. It takes me a lot a lot of courage to decide if I should write this but those are all really a part of me in the past and I should hell not be ashamed of what made me who I am today (fulamak damn drama wtf)
(actually truth is I damn lazy wanna start studying so have to find things to blog about wtf)
Ok when I was 14/15 (zaman kegelapan wtf) (jahiliah wtf), (i like to talk in brackets wtf), sigh lemme pause for a while. The only reason why I'm making fun of all this is because I don't wanna dwell in my sadness =( So I'm trying to be happy and jolly as if I don't give two hoots about it =(
*serious mode on
Ok when I was 14/15 when I first started losing lotsa weight, there were suddenly so many guys going after me. Being the girl who was never ever given any attention before, I relished them greedily. I gave in and started 'dating' everyone I think worthy of my 'love'.
The basketball captain? I had him. The bad boy in my school? I had him. The super cool rapper/beatboxer wtf? My basketball coach who was young and handsome (not old one ok wtf), my drum teacher who was 10 years older than me and who was in a somewhat popular local band? The bartender where I used to work at? yeap yeap yeap (when i say i had him means i once dated him ok not involved sexually wtf i was only 15/16 la wtf dunno what's sex also)
Oh boy, the bartender. What a huge horror story of how I was so close to being violated physically and mentally. Or maybe I WAS violated but perhaps only too young, stupid and naive to know that.
All I remember was how dirty I felt after all that and wished like crazy to have myself cleansed. (which might be the reason why I went to church religiously after that wtf..excluding the fact that there was free food)
Last night, I cringed at the thought of how I was so proud of those supposedly 'cool' guys I was dating. Sometimes two at once, sometimes many more. But now that I look back, I can't find the popular, attractive girl that I thought I was. I only see a trashy attention-seeker trying to get her hands on every single guy there is on this planet. Oh what a whore. Oh what a creature that rhymes with the word snitch.
So when I see girls once my age going through that, I wish I can ask them to stop and think because I truly have been through all that. I was the girl who was so fat and ugly and unwanted but suddenly turned from an ugly duckling to a swan. I was the girl every guy used to look in disdain at to a girl I am today.
When I see my sister going through that, I wish I can tell her what I've been through. I wish she'll get past the phase like how I did. I wish she'll fall but learn from the fall and find the perfect guy for her like how I found mine. But I have no guts to bring myself to tell her that I only want the best for her and not want to take what she has away. that this is not a competition and we're not competing against each other to see who's the best.
Sigh damn emo wtf but this is a true story and this is the story that I have to tell. I guess when you bring yourself to admit the truth then it kinda stops haunting you. I am not the perfect girl I portrayed myself to be here. I'm so full of flaws and so terribly ashamed of who I was so I try concealing it but it always comes back to you, you know?
This is my story and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
(damn drama wtf)
--
Listening to: Wang Lee Hom - Yi Shou Jian Dan De Ge (A Simple Song)
I damn damn like Lee Hom laaaaaa
Posted at 2:06:35 pm by expectation
Permalink
On the night of 23rd Oct, 4.15am
I woke up abruptly yersterday in the middle of the night wondering where the hell I was. It was pretty dark but not dark enough to blind me completely. The moon was glowing brightly, illuminating my whole room with extreme intensity. Everything looked okay so I tried falling asleep again.
Wait, no wait, everything wasn't okay..where the hell was I? Why was there a huge window? Why was there a TV in my room?? And who was that sleeping 5 feet away from me?! I was panicking and sweating amidst all that action of kicking my comforter away from me, still trying unavailingly to figure out where I was. Was I abducted by aliens and I was now in their spaceship? Did I somehow mysteriously acquire some superpower of teleporting myself to another world?
It took me exactly 2.1 minutes yesterday night, October the 23rd, 4.15am to figure out that I wasn't abducted by ETs, to figure out (rather disappointingly) that I had no superpowers (except the ability to somewhat dig my nose till it bleeds) (and the ability to conceal my act of digging my nose in public areas by pretending to sneeze when I was 12), that I was in fact in my room.
My room? But my room doesn't have a huge window and TV and some random girl sleeping near me. My room is warm and cozy, not cold and uninviting like this place appears to be. My room is sometimes so hot that I don't need a comforter but here? God here I have to wear a sweater to bed!
That night on the 23rd around 4.17am, I went back to sleep reluctantly in a daze. Utterly confused as to why I came here. Extremely disconcerted. Almost close to tears.
Homesickness has finally kicked in after 2 months. So this is how it feels to be homesick. No one told me it's gonna be this hard. Well no one said it would be easy either.
The novelty of this whole new surrounding is wearing off slowly like a layer of dry skin carefully being peeled away. At first it hurts to start the whole process of peeling your skin but in the whole momentum of the painful act, it starts giving you a sense of pleasure somewhat. When the very last piece of skin is dangling off your now bare skin, pleading for mercy, that's when you break yourself off from the spell and realize that you have gone too far without knowing why.
That's what I'm feeling right now. Why did I do this? I could have stayed back in the comfort of my own home and country and still receive proper education at maybe half the price. Is this really a good choice? But it's too late now to argue with my rationality. I'm already here, in this cold and uninviting room, living a life I don't recognize. Geez, who is that girl speaking in a weird accent? Can't instead of cunt? Three instead of tri?
I was talking to my friends and mom and grandma yesterday. I miss them so so so much. I can barely speak Hokkien with my grandma and had to think and restructure my sentences in my head. My friends seem so distant from me now. I don't even know if who is dating who, if anyone's exam is coming up, if someone just had a fight with their lecturer etc. My dad is back from Dubai now for a week and I'm not even there to be with him. My brother just finished his PMR and I'm not even there to nag at him to start thinking of his future. My sister is going for a trip to N. Sembilan and I'm not even there to tell her to take care of herself.
It's as if I just disappeared from the life I was living to a life I don't even want to be in. With people I love and care to people who don't even bother to know me for who I am.
I can't deny that I hate everything there is here but I'm trying to be strong. It's not as if everyone has a chance to have what I have so I guess I have no right to complain. I'm just really really sad right now for it seems as if everything was just thrown unto me so suddenly. Independence, freedom, self-reliance. Maybe this is how it feels like to live your own life.
--
On another note, something major happened to my ticket provider so I have to get my own ticket home for Summer and it's going to be around RM 6500 T________T Looks like I have to stay here and work my ass off so I can go back 2 years later. This sucks.
P.S: Anyone from the states here who might want to host pitiful me during Christmas for a few days (or weeks wtf)? *blink blink
Listening to: Colbie Caillat- Bubbly (god i love love love this song, it makes me feel so much better and happy)
Posted at 11:56:38 am by expectation
Permalink
Of the lake, elfing and 6 flags
I have a crazy amount of pictures to post so if I have time, I'll post them all up but if I don't then I'll split this entry into two ok!
Last weekend we decided to walk around taking pictures of our beautiful campus but we spent too much time around the lake because it was so so so picturesque that we didn't have time for the rest of the campus!
See?
That's Mild
Angela's annoying cousin, Angela's nice cousin Kelvin, Audrey tha nature-hater, me
 
Artistic Aud wtf people ask her to take picture of me while I climb down and she took one pic of her shoes, one pic of herself and oh one pic of me and another pic of herself wtf.
Aud and Kelvin the coat-rack wtf
 
Lovers
 
Grumpy Aud with annoying cousin and me shitting wtf
=D
Aud, me, Angie, Jeannie
I look like I'm trying to get away from Angie wtf
---
There's this tradition in Mt Holyoke (i know we're full of traditions! i love it!) where sophomores will 'elf' first-years.
We'll wake up to find our whole front door covered in newspaper (we tore ours already) and there'll be pictures all over the hallway with our names!
The best part is we'll wake up everyday for a week to find candies by our door! =D
--
One of my greatest joys in life is to dig my nose. no, seriously.
After an intense and vicious nose-digging session wtf. I know i know too much information.
--
Okaylah since I already have the mojo wtf I shall continue posting more pictures.
Last saturday after taking pictures around the lake, we adjourned (wtf) to Six Flags!
With some halloween stuff
wuu~
The rides here are pretty good but we only had time to ride 2 rides =( Cause they were so many people and we waste a good 3/4 of our time there queuing up.
Eh seriously I'm damn brave lah. Everyone (including the 3 guys) didn't want to go to any of the scary rides with me and I was really considering to just ride them alone but there wasn't enough time. When it comes to ghosts and all I'm as chicken as hell but dunno why I'm so brave when it comes to this.
Had to take lotsa pictures to pass time.
Eating fried dough to keep warm
wicked woods wuu~
I was so cold and had to use my scarf to wrap around my legs because smart alec me wore shorts in USA wtf. but but it was warm in the afternoon! I already checked the weather a million times before going and it said it'll be around 10 celcius at night.
Silly me thought 10 celcius is 30 celcius wtf. Biggest regret in my life T_____T everyone kept talking about how scared they were and I kept complaining that I couldn't feel my legs cause they were frozen wtf
this stupid guy randomly popped into our picture, dah lah not handsome wtf
sigh well at least my legs look nice
with a ghost wtf wuu~
With scarycat aud. seriously I have mixed feelings towards this whole wearing shorts thingy la. On one hand i suffered like crazy the whole night (you have no idea how suffering it was i seriously seriously felt like i had frostbite all over), but on the other hand my legs look so nice wor wtf.
haunted mansion wuu~ lined up for damn damn long until we resorted to playing childhood games like bom bom cha, sunflower sunflower wtf, telling lame jokes, push each other see who fall first wtf for like 1.5 hours before going in the haunted mansion which wasn't all that scary.
with scooby dooby doo
Going homeee
oh and anyway if anyone is wondering why i called that somewhat cute guy the 'annoying cousin' is because he is seriously the most annoying and obnoxious guy I've ever seen!!!!1 He talks in 3981 different accents and is damn coward! Have you seen someone (a guy nevertheless) who complains and whines 10x more than a girl before going in a haunted house?? He thinks monsters exist WTF and he's 20 ok!
As if complaining to us is not enough, he complained to the family behind us too! And in the wicked woods, he kept hugging my hand! damn annoying ok! people want to walk also cannot and had to shout at him to let me go, which he then quickly ran to hug Aud's hand. When everyone else shouted at him to let them go, he went and hug the family behind us!! The family with 5 small kids!!1 WTF damn coward right.
And the whole time he kept complaining about wasting his time and how he shouldn't have came when Angie fucking paid for all his expenses!!!! Then she found out that he likes Napeleon Dynamite and bought him a poster and HE SAT ON IT!!! *ANGRY
Then then not only that, he's a really hardcore Christian guy. I have nothing against Christianity but I fucking hate it when they reject people's opinions lor! He kept talking about how evolution doesn't exist so I told him how can! Evolution is backed up with lotsa proofs where else Creationism is just somewhat a theory then he walked so close to me and shouted at my face that WHAT THE HELL IS CHRISTIANISM then i said I SAID CREATIONISM LA U DEAF TURD then he continued to berate the rest when they said 'stories in the bible' because he said THEY'RE NOT STORIES THEY'RE REAL.
Lazy wanna talk to this kinda people. It's okay if you think Creationism is real but talk properly lah! Everyone has their own ideas what. If you can't accept people's opinions then you should just shut up la. Ferme ta gueule!
End of long entry now everyone wants a piece of me wtf. Sigh have to write paperrrr malasnya. Midterm exams next week >.>
Posted at 8:07:07 am by expectation
Permalink
have you ever woke up one day and not feel like doing ANYTHING at all??
Don't feel like sleeping anymore, don't feel like lying on the bed, don't feel like standing up, don't feel like eating, don't feel like peeing, don't feel like doing homework, don't feel like talking, don't feel like..living.
Sigh how lah how. People will do anything to live my life but I just really feel like I don't want to be here. or there. or anywhere. I just feel like disappearing and not exist anymore. Have you ever felt this way? (please say no so i'll feel special wtf) I just feel like hanging myself off the bridge (wuu~) not because I'm depressed but because I just don't feel like i care for anything anymore.
Why lah why.
--
I found a term for this terribly complicated and bizarre syndrome. A disease so puzzling that scientists never ever found out where it came from. A syndrome so enigmatic that no one ever found a solution to it.
Ladies and gents, it's called laziness. wtf
--
I suddenly feel like I got so much work! *uses hair to strangle self
It has been so relaxing the past few weeks and now my work is catching up on me. The worst thing is I have that i-don't-feel-like-doing-anything syndrome (otherwise known as laziness)! How lah how.
I feel like talking nonsense today.
kgwgvngewoj29@#%!@%#$Tgmkfdnsfsfw235@#%@
kdejsjfbhrhbgivfuwe nbjuefhwui jwenfuwheoqn
niwehfwiwe jehfrwiehewiofn 23$!51! efnjw@%! njejff
jajajaja
Why am I like this T____T
Eh, I suddenly feel like going out in the rain, run to the big field and play a flute.
Why have I gone mad! Seriously I'm quite scared for myself now. Why do I suddenly feel like playing a flute? Is it because someone is playing it next door? Or is it because I've really gone mad?
This post is damn nonsense lah I hope no one thinks I'm crazy. Cuckoo cuckoo.
Posted at 8:54:44 am by expectation
Permalink
Lalala don't know what to blog about so just gonna post this random filler nonsense to fulfil my blog-every-2-days quota wtf. I have two assignments due next week which I have to try to finish it by Friday cause this Saturday we're going to SIX FLAGS!!!!
WOOT! Six flags are these huge theme parks all over the states and they have the scariest rides ever! We're going for their Freak Fest (since it's Halloween and all) which features stuff like real coffins with maggots and super scary haunted houses! Not like those in Hari Kantin one wtf put chairs and tables everywhere to create a maze and the seniors will wear white cloth over their head and say wuu~ wtf and throw flour and water balloons wtf.
So anyway yeah it's gonna be real scary! And if you wanna cut the queue then you have to eat cockcroach or something first! Wuu~ wtf and we are also thinking of going to Salem which is the scariest place in the US! It's nicknamed as 'The Witch City' cause it was where people who were supposedly witches were burnt and hung to death last time.
How fun, the true spirit of Halloween! No more dressing in cliched costumes to clubs too!
Anyway since we're talking about this, do you know that my college is one of the most haunted colleges in the US??! %$@#$@
Aud, angie and I were scaring ourselves like crazy cause we were talking about horror movies and ghosts and all T___T I hate ghosts so so much. Seriously I'm really really a chicken, I admit that! I get scared very extremely easily but I still love scaring myself. I like paying RM9 to watch a horror flick and cover 9.5/10 of my view with my hands. I love scary rides in theme parks (maybe because since I already paid for it, why not ride them all?)
Ya and we were talking about all those scary shits and they said that in our dorm, the laundry room is supposed to be haunted!
WTF
 LOOK CLOSELY AT THE DRYER AND YOU'LL SEE A HEAD ROLLING ABOUT!!!!!!!!@$#!$@#%!$@%#^&$&#^ZOMG seriously I got damn damn scared ok! Somemore I camwhored in this place for 30 mins wtf! Alone! *breathes in breathes outShit lah fucking scared now what if someone taps me on the shoulder and says "i'm the ghost from the laundry room and why are you blogging about meeee!!!!!!!!!"
fuck wanna sleep night.
*walks to bed without looking back
--
P.S: Shit lah I'm insomniac! I was so scared last night and tried to fall asleep but I couldn't! I don't know why but it has been happening for the past 3 days as well. I just woke up one day and turned insomniac
I tried every method I know to fall asleep- warm milk before bedtime, chamomile tea, banana wtf, MEDITATING before I sleep! But everything doesn't work!
Maybe because I had cold milk instead..and i drank the chamomile tea 2 hrs before bed, and whenever I meditate, my thoughts always drift to something else like what should I blog about today wtf..
Kill me lah I only had 5 hours of sleep the past few days =(
Posted at 2:03:49 pm by expectation
Permalink
|
width="800" height="490"> 
