The hardest part about studying is always the starting point. Once you get started, it's easy to go on for hours but the toughest part is that one minute when you decide to put everything away, grab a book and just study.
My that one minute never came. Midterms are next week and I reserved whole of Fri, Sat and Sun to study but guess what day is today? Sat. Guess when I started studying? Never. Guess what I did yesterday till 3am? Surfed blogs. Searched for cheap ticket home. Watched funny Cantonese horror shows with Aud and Angie. Added RSS in my blog (wah why am I so tech-savvy wtf actually all I did was i gave my blog's password to Clem and he did that for me wtf)
The thing with exams is I always feel demotivated somehow. Like there's no drive/mojo/whomp wtf inside me to start studying for exams. I'll go like cheh still got 2 days, chillax la wtf. Oh why oh why did I bring that Malaysian trait here with me.
Bad news: Remember my shoes that I bought from Ebay?? They didn't fit......... T___________T
I've always thought I'm a size 6 (NO THANKS TO STUPID VINCCI WTF) but I'm actually US Size 6.5. So sad cause the white pumps are really super damn nice so unless
1.) i bind my feet till they're size 6 or
2.) i have to sell them away
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I went to bed at 3am last night but only really fell asleep about 4. I had so much stuff in my head (no none about my exams wtf) I was mainly thinking about stupid things I've done when I was younger. Like real stupid things. Like real real stupid things that only my closest friends know. Like real real real stupid things ok I think you get the drift now wtf.
Ya I know you want to know what those stupid things are. It takes me a lot a lot of courage to decide if I should write this but those are all really a part of me in the past and I should hell not be ashamed of what made me who I am today (fulamak damn drama wtf)
(actually truth is I damn lazy wanna start studying so have to find things to blog about wtf)
Ok when I was 14/15 (zaman kegelapan wtf) (jahiliah wtf), (i like to talk in brackets wtf), sigh lemme pause for a while. The only reason why I'm making fun of all this is because I don't wanna dwell in my sadness =( So I'm trying to be happy and jolly as if I don't give two hoots about it =(
*serious mode on
Ok when I was 14/15 when I first started losing lotsa weight, there were suddenly so many guys going after me. Being the girl who was never ever given any attention before, I relished them greedily. I gave in and started 'dating' everyone I think worthy of my 'love'.
The basketball captain? I had him. The bad boy in my school? I had him. The super cool rapper/beatboxer wtf? My basketball coach who was young and handsome (not old one ok wtf), my drum teacher who was 10 years older than me and who was in a somewhat popular local band? The bartender where I used to work at? yeap yeap yeap (when i say i had him means i once dated him ok not involved sexually wtf i was only 15/16 la wtf dunno what's sex also)
Oh boy, the bartender. What a huge horror story of how I was so close to being violated physically and mentally. Or maybe I WAS violated but perhaps only too young, stupid and naive to know that.
All I remember was how dirty I felt after all that and wished like crazy to have myself cleansed. (which might be the reason why I went to church religiously after that wtf..excluding the fact that there was free food)
Last night, I cringed at the thought of how I was so proud of those supposedly 'cool' guys I was dating. Sometimes two at once, sometimes many more. But now that I look back, I can't find the popular, attractive girl that I thought I was. I only see a trashy attention-seeker trying to get her hands on every single guy there is on this planet. Oh what a whore. Oh what a creature that rhymes with the word snitch.
So when I see girls once my age going through that, I wish I can ask them to stop and think because I truly have been through all that. I was the girl who was so fat and ugly and unwanted but suddenly turned from an ugly duckling to a swan. I was the girl every guy used to look in disdain at to a girl I am today.
When I see my sister going through that, I wish I can tell her what I've been through. I wish she'll get past the phase like how I did. I wish she'll fall but learn from the fall and find the perfect guy for her like how I found mine. But I have no guts to bring myself to tell her that I only want the best for her and not want to take what she has away. that this is not a competition and we're not competing against each other to see who's the best.
Sigh damn emo wtf but this is a true story and this is the story that I have to tell. I guess when you bring yourself to admit the truth then it kinda stops haunting you. I am not the perfect girl I portrayed myself to be here. I'm so full of flaws and so terribly ashamed of who I was so I try concealing it but it always comes back to you, you know?
This is my story and I'm not ashamed of it anymore.
(damn drama wtf)
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Listening to: Wang Lee Hom - Yi Shou Jian Dan De Ge (A Simple Song)
I damn damn like Lee Hom laaaaaa
Posted at 2:06:35 pm by expectation
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